Sat (wallflower18) wrote,
Sat
wallflower18

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RL and NCIS LA 4.05 & 4.06 (not a review, is actually a whining - or a rant?)

First off I owe people - you - all so much, replies, comments, feedback and PMs and so many apologies. I'm so sorry. Last few weeks just... haven't been good to me. RL blew at home and work (correct: I blew it, it's disgusting how almost everything was self-inflicted) and I just didn't feel up to reply, even rl personal e-mails (some adult here). I admit I was on Tumblr a few times for the mindless, numb fun to get excited for something again and for the reason nobody over there knows or cares about me, but nothing worked so far. Basically it was just me being sorry for myself and miserable and drained all the time, and irresponsible and ungrateful bastard for life.

And there's new NCIS: LA eps, the ones I said I was so looking forward to - I even couldn't bring myself up for watching them for weeks. But I really needed to break this pathetic state because really, it was getting old and I hated it so I finally watched them this weekend and - I was really enjoying them! They were so much better than I expected and there were so many great moments of all of them and also Sam/G and I was just so excited and felt so inspired. But then the last 5 minutes of 4.06 happened and - for whatever reason I started crying at the end and bawled my eyes out. Now I'm even more depressed than before watching and I just don't know what to do. I didn't even know why I cried when I did, maybe it's because I was already feeling down but I realized it's not the only thing caused it, of course it's G and my head is a mess and I just want this OUT of my head.

And this is not where I'm going to say OMGMYSHIPISSINKING!%&&&%$$111!!!!, because I knew the eps were going to be about Sam's wife and she's always been there from the very start, and it still didn't stop me from falling for them. Everybody in Fandom is shipping all the married/in committed relationship characters with somebody else to their hearts' content, and it's not the kind of thing that prevents me from shipping either so why not? So yeah, I thought her becoming 'real' wasn't a major problem to me and also it was about damn time for them to do something with Sam's family situation. (But I must admit I might have secretly hoped all - Sam's family and Uncle Callen - turn out to be fake magically, but of course it didn't happen.)

No, it's because the end of 4.06 just made it so painfully clear G is completely and officially and forever alone. Because sometime ago while I was rewatching some eps for capping and giffing something started to bug me - it's Sam and G shipping other couples in the team (Kensi/Deeks and Eric/Nell). It's funny they ship them so hard like nosy grannies, and most of the time I don't have any problems with it (except that sometimes it gets way too much since the writers seem to want to make 'het' just so blatantly obvious like it isn't already). And every pair ships other pairs in the show and it's great too, I love Sam/G getting shipped by anyone, but it doesn't feel completely right anymore. Because Kensi and Deeks are meant to be and most definitely going to be together, Eric and Nell too, but Sam and G? Are not. And no, I'm not screaming WHYTHEHELLCAN'TGAYHAPPENINTHISSHOW!!##$#$$""!!, I'm crazy but not that delusional. It's because G isn't The One for Sam. Because Sam is married to the woman he loves with kid, has a family of his own. Because all the shipping is making it so clear that G is alone. No matter how lovingly other team members ship Sam and G, and yes they're so married and perfect to each other and together and just effin' great ass-kicking partners, but at the end of the day - G really doesn't have anyone. Someone who can only be his. And Sam shipping others is okay, he's not alone, but G is alone and still shipping others? NO. It's as if G does shipping because he thinks he has to (consciously or not), because everyone needs someone, and they're all sort of coming from dysfunctional family or lack of family, and they all should find/have someone they love and trust and be awesome together and he has to make sure everyone gets someone. So Kensi's got Deeks and Deeks' got Kensi, Nell for Eric and Eric for Nell, and Sam has his wife and kid. And Hetty - Hetty's got ALL of them, even Granger and Vance. Sure Hetty tells G her wishes and regrets and all, but in fact? She doesn't specially need him. (Hetty part applies to G too but he just doesn't see it or care.)

And it may also serve as the way to eliminate him from the chance of becoming someone else's The One. Because he's just not the type of a guy, sure he'd do anything for them, but promising them a happily ever after? No, he just can't. So maybe in a way G's relieved that Sam already has got someone, because Sam needs to take care of people and he needs family, and he deserves it and deserves someone to love who deserves to be loved and who loves him back right. And Sam's wife - Quinn - turned out to be SO NOT the bland, usual housewife who's unaware of what Sam's doing, she was - is - agent too and she surely looks awesome, if this wasn't about G I'd be totally thrilled (I *am* thrilled Sam's wife is as awesome as him). And I think G does care about her, even if it's mainly because she's Sam's family, and I take it that he approves of her as Sam's special one. Because she's such a kickass woman, she's strong, she's good and most importantly good for Sam.

And we really don't know about who's the 'law enforcement' person G apparently lost in the past, but that aside, what we've seen so far is G not having any working relationships and turning down every opportunity/offer he's got. He never gave Agent Giordano a chance, and the girl who once was with Jason Tedrow - maybe he really wanted that life and to be with her but he couldn't because he wasn't Jason, the guy she fell in love with. And that Tracy the so-called ex-partner - anyone noticed how he just didn't give her the slightest of a damn and was all about Sam (and Buddy the dog) in the ep? So it's the one thing that the show is thorough and keeps true, G isn't the relationship guy, he hasn't got ANY relationships worked out (romantically or not) outside NCIS/OSP and except with Gibbs/Macy/Hetty/Nate/the past and current team, AND Sam. (And it's something I can really approve of what this show is doing, they really haven't tried to hook him up with another poorly written character that's just thrown in for the pesky love interest. But now that everyone else is (almost) with someone I'm afraid what will happen.)

And then there's also this line from the awesome comment by whocares19_05 after 4.01:

I also loved how protecting Hetty was the one thing that would have Callen do just about everything

... And this got me thinking really ugly things ever since. Because sure, Hetty is a super cool eccentric mom/aunt/friend to all the members of the team, she mentors Kensi, takes Deeks under her wings, mother-hens mother-hen!Sam, but to G... to G, she's something I can't find right words to describe. Like whocares19_05 said she's gotta be the closest thing to family he has, and I've always been the one who wants to believe that people - we - can be/build *real* family regardless we're related or not, fictionally and generally, even though I rarely or haven't actually seen anything like that in my life sadly (and I think people want to believe it too, that's the reason we all ship/believe the cast/characters of all media being close, call themselves family in Fandom, etc etc).

But the question is, is he really the closest thing to family/son to Hetty? There's Sullivan and Dom, and now Renko and Hunter, who forever will have places somewhere in her and it's ridiculous to think of trying to beat that. But I think he somehow thought he was something special to her, and she was someone he *can* want and need, like a mother for a child, the real one. But in the finale he learned about Hunter and ta-da - he really wasn't special or the only one. He never was to anyone and now it proved he's not to Hetty either. And their scene in the boatshed - I understand that she needed someone to share her sorrow and regret and the fact she told and showed him that she was hurting is the proof of trust and affection and I should be happy that they're that close, but honestly, to me that felt so careless and... cruel. Practically telling he's not the only one, that she also had Hunter, oh of course she didn't care what the lifetime of abandonment would have done to G. And never told him the truth about Hunter, never gave them the chance to understand each other or even connect before the opportunity is forever gone, and he shouldn't be sorry for himself because there are tons of people like him and millions of people are dying in Africa and he should be fucking happy he's still alive.

And what bothered me most right after the finale (when I didn't know about the act) was, she did that when she should've known the impact and effect of what she told would have on him, and for her he'd do anything. It turned out he didn't 'lose' it, but if they (she) didn't come up with that plan, there's a chance G'd do something horrible. Yes the plan worked, but it still didn't change what she did to G. And in the premiere it was made clear again that he'd go high and low and everything to protect Hetty, and this is how it feels to me now - she perfectly knows it and still would let him do it if it's really really necessary (not for her, but maybe for something huge). This, and also the fact he doesn't seem to care any of it - Hetty or people he cares don't care about him with the same intensity or level he has to them - it bothers me. And he still would do just about everything to protect anyone he cares because what only matters to him is if they're the people he cares about or not (note that when he doesn't care about someone he really doesn't, it's almost scary and cruel).

(I'm not saying everyone in the team wouldn't do the same for him because they totally *did* and would anytime, but that's not the point here.) (Yes, it could be annoying G keeps telling/reminding people how sad his childhood or entire life is and his first name is alphabet and sometimes shamelessly begging 'plz look at me?', but I can take it as defense mechanism, that way people can't mock him because he mocks it first and when he's mocking himself nothing other people say can touch him.)

And what G told Kensi and Deeks about Sam and Quinn - it wasn't supposed to happen this way - working on the same task force - side by side - seven days a week - months on end - they fell in love. WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?????? Does... does it mean he had to witness Sam falling in love with Quinn when he's already met Sam and fallen for him? We haven't got a clear shot of their daughter but how old is she? By S3 (2012) Sam and G had been partners for five years, so it means they must have become partners in 2007, and G told Sam he smelled like baby powder in S1 so I assume she was just a baby back then - maybe not the new born, but still a baby - it's 2009 or 2010 (can't remember in which eps). This gives us at least two years between the start of Sam/G partnership and the girl's birth, so I think it's not completely missing the point to assume G and Sam met first and Quinn came into the picture after. And the way G told the story, it did sound like he was there when everything happened - Sam going into task force, meeting Quinn and falling in love with her and eventually getting married and starting to build his own family.

And my heart is shattered because all of this points to - unrequited, unrequited, unrequited. I'd have been able to take G's line as a metaphor, that G wasn't talking about Sam and Quinn, and interpret it to they - WE - fell in love, if I was in the happier state of mind but I was/am not. And the eps almost confirmed G knows everything about Sam since they met - the only things he didn't know (which are only just a handful) were from Sam's SEALs days, and comparing those to this whole thing, they're not big at all. So there's nothing Sam hides from G, G's got everything he can get from Sam and yet Sam isn't his. And the small privilege we thought G had, for being the only one of knowing every Sam (husband, father, friend, AND agent/partner) is now gone too because Quinn is his wife and a mother of their child and most probably a friend with G too AND an effing awesome agent who's been through so much with Sam side by side and she IS the one who's got everything G can never get, she IS everything he can never be. And - still all of this just suits and is perfect for G.

This is just so depressing and in my head everything is dark, I need something saddest or darkest or angsty, that way I may be able to hit the very bottom and it'd probably feel better than this. I'm just... feeling so down and hate so much being like this. I just want, for once, G to have SAM someone only to himself, as a man and a boy, as a son and a brother, as a friend or father or lover, as whatever he never had a chance to become, never learnt to be, was never allowed to be. And it just doesn't happen. WHY. Is it THAT much to ask?
Tags: tv: ncis: los angeles
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